What Not To Say To Girls At Parties
by Phoebe Caulfield 16
Summary: "If you were a Dementor, I'd turn criminal just to get your kiss." It's a Hogwarts Bonfire Party, and Kingsley gives Frank some interesting pick up lines  dreamt up by none other than Sirius Black  to help him get with the girl of his dreams.


Everything about that night was unforgettable, even the tiny things, the golden leaves on the ground, the twigs snapping beneath their feet, the soft stench of alcohol on everyone's lips, the bare legs of the girls touching and swaying amongst the hungry-eyed boys. And that music... it was Weird Sisters mixed with Muggle punk, and hard rock thrown in to the mix, rhythmic guitars against banging drums, screaming vocals and roars and yells, and the fifth-and sixth-and seventh-years was dancing to it, shaking their hips and swinging their arms as they pressed their bodies close to one another.

Frank took another swig of his Firewhisky, watching the bonfire flames licking their way through the air, crackling happily as the sparks dived between the dancing teenagers, as they kissed and touched and kissed some more underneath the firelight.

"Damn, look at Black and Potter." he heard someone say, "They couldn't love themselves anymore if they tried."

Frank snorted into his can, spraying whisky over the people nearest to him. As usual the two sixth-years were in the centre of attention, surrounded by a gang of admiring girls and jealous boys as they made up wilder and wilder dance moves to the song playing; a punk anthem about anarchists and antichrists. Black's current girl slid up to him, and throwing her arms around his neck, started jiggling her hips to the music.

"Another one?" An arm nudged him. Frank glanced at his best friend.

"Eh?"

"Another drink, mate." Kingsley repeated, holding out yet another can of Firewhisky.

"Oh. Nah. Had too much already." said Frank, "And so have you."

"Listen, if you're going to make me sit here with you all night just because you can't go up to a girl means I am going to need to be suitably hammered to make it anywhere near bearable." Kingsley said, all in one breath.

"Kings, you know how it is. Whenever we go to a party, you get with the prettiest girl there in five minutes and sneak into a corner with her for the whole night, and I'll end up drunk on Firewhisky straight away and be that pathetic guy leering at all the girls."

"Man, talking to girls really isn't hard. You just need to slide in and be, well, suave."

"Suave? Easy for you to say." Frank said grumpily, watching Sirius Black and Lillian Johansson get as close as they could to having sex in a public place without being arrested. Frank slurped on his Firewhisky yet again. It wasn't bloody fair! Black was a year younger than him and had double, no triple, no, no, no, a million times the sex experience. It simply wasn't right...

"Looks like Potter's got another proposition for Evans, how much do you want to bet it goes down the drain - yup, ouch, there it is." Kingsley said, laughing as the sixth-year Seeker walked away from the redheaded girl by the drinks table, crushing the glass in his hand.

The music changed, now a song that sounded like it was sung by a banshee started on the record-player. A Hufflepuff sixth-year, a girl whose name the Firewhisky had made him forget - Michelle? Mia? - came sashaying up to them, her make-up smudged, her hair a mess. She smiled coyly at Kingsley, and placed a finger to his lips.

"I think I've found my tall, dark, handsome stranger." she giggled, her speech slightly slurred. A grin slid across Kingsley's face, and he placed one long, muscular arm around her shoulders.

"I know a place a bit quieter." he said, pointing to a gap between the trees, some meters away.

"Hang on?" asked Frank, "What about me?"

"What, you want to come? Mate, we do everything together, but I'm drawing a line at this. Sorry."

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. What am I going to do without you?"

"Here's a wild thought; _Go up to a girl and talk to her_. How about that?"

"I'll get shot down."

"Potter gets shot down every other week. If he can handle it, I'm sure you can."

"What do I say to her?" Frank protested, wringing his hands together.

"Use a pick up line." Kingsley suggested, "What about "If you were a Dementor, I'd turn criminal just to get your kiss"?"

Frank raised an eyebrow, "Does that really work?"

"Probably. Sirius Black gave it to me the other day."

"Okay then." Frank sighed, not really listening, instead letting his eyes drifting towards the gaggle of girls underneath a tree, giggling like only girls could. Kingsley grinned, and steadying Michelle or Mia or whoever she was on her feet, headed off into the darkness.

"'Scuse me mate, can you get off the keg?" Frank glanced backwards, seeing a boy with an empty glass in his hand.

"Oh, right. Yeah, course." He slid off it, and when to stand by himself in the dark, drinking steadily.

Right, this was getting stupid. Here he was, alone, drinking, and in a few minutes, he'd probably be leering at all the girls. Something had to change. He downed the rest of his drink, and threw it on the ground. Tonight would be the night.

He strode into the crowd, letting people press up against him, boys and girls falling back and forth into him. It was getting hotter and hotter. "'Scuse me, sorry, ouch!"

And there she was. Standing on the edge of the gaggle under the tree, smiling slightly at something the freckly Ravenclaw Meg Matthews had said. She had a soft round face, plump pink lips and a rosy complexion.

_Just go up to her. What's the worst that can happen?_

The world could end, a crack in the ground would open and swallow him up, he would drown in a pool of his own sweat-

-Or she might say yes, and he'd have the greatest night of his life.

Well, it was worth the risk. Plus, he'd have something to tell Kingsley the next day.

Remembering Kingsley's words, "_Be suave_", he took a deep breath, and began to walk very quickly towards the girls.

"Hey, Alice!"

Alice smiled at him, flicking a strand of her short blonde hair over her neck, "Hi, Frank. Having a nice time?"

"Er, yeah, it's going all right. Can I talk to you for a sec?"

He grasped her hand, and Alice, though slightly bewildered, followed him into the bushes. _Be sophisticated. Be cool._ He opened his mouth.

"Errr..."

_Say something! Anything! Just say something!_

_Come on brain, don't abandon me now. What've you got? _

_Hey, what did Kingsley tell you a minute a go?_

"Alice," he said, deepening his voice, shaking his hair into his face, "If you were a Dementor, I'd turn criminal just to get your kiss."

_ Huh. That sounded better in my head._

Alice stared at him for a second. Then, a smile spread across her face and she started laughing.

_Yup. That really didn't go down well._

She stopped laughing for a second, and placed her hand on his arm, letting it rest there for the next few seconds. The hairs on his arm began standing up, and his neck was tingling.

_Hey, I'm liking this bit!_

She smiled up at him affectionately, and said, "Frank, you're a sweet guy-"

"Sweet guy. Really what I was going for." Frank said defeatedly.

"Let me finish. I was going to say that I liked sweet guys."

"Oh really? Well, that's great, what bush shall we do it behind then?"

Another giggle escaped Alice's lips, and she sighed gently, "Frank, you don't have to act like that. Just... be yourself."

"Be myself?"

"Be yourself. You can't be anyone else, can you?"

"Well, I guess it'd get pretty hard after a while."

_Kingsley is officially the worst mate in history. Once he untangles himself from whatever-her-name-is, I'm going to murder him. And Black's next on the list._

"Okay. So, er, what do I do now?"

Alice wrapped a lock of blonde hair around her finger, "You could offer to get me a drink?"

Frank brightened up instantly, "I can do that. Whadya want? I know Ahmed smuggled in some gin that's pretty untouched."

Alice giggled shyly, "Gin and tonic then. I'll meet you by the bonfire."

* * *

He had no idea what song was playing on the gramophone, he was pretty certain that the drink he had gotten Alice wasn't gin and tonic, and drunk teenagers were falling all over him, yet he could never remember having more fun in his life. Him and Alice were dancing together to the music, her hip brushing up against his leg, his hand running down her back. If he leaned in now, he might get a-

CRASH! - Someone leapt in between them, pissed out of his mind and roaring his head off.

"So, the leprechaun says "I don't know, I thought we were in a pot of gold!" Hahahahahaha! Why didn't Lily find it funny?"

THUD!

And a very drunk James Potter passed out at their feet.

After a long pause, which had them watching their Quidditch Captain lying in a pool of Butterbeer on the ground, Frank and Alice looked at each other.

"Want to go somewhere a bit quieter?"

"Please." Alice said.

Pushing their way away from the crowd, Alice led them to the tree that she had been under earlier, which was now, thankfully, deserted. The two of them sat down together, Frank draping an arm around Alice's shoulders, Alice resting her head against Frank's neck. They sat together in silence for a few minutes, twining and untwining their fingers together.

"Alice?"

"Yes?"

"Do you like me? I mean, really like me?"

Alice lifted her head, her violet eyes meeting his brown ones, "I do. I really do. You make me laugh-"

Frank snorted, his face turning crimson. Alice touched his arm.

"And not just with the Dementor line. Your sweet, and funny, and nice, which is more than I can say for some of the boys in my year."

"Thanks." Instinct suddenly overtook him, and he brushed away a strand of her hair from her face. She brought her hand to rest on his cheek, and leaned in. She pressed her soft lips closer to his, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around him. He kissed back, his tongue running softly across her teeth, all of a sudden very conscious of the whisky on his breath.

They stayed locked together for some minutes, until Alice pulled away.

"Did you like that?"

"I loved it." he whispered, and she smiled yet again, and brought her lips back against his. Something exploded inside of Frank's chest, and maybe it was his heart, maybe it was his lungs, but he didn't care. All that mattered was that he was entwined with the most beautiful girl in the world, and nothing could rip them apart.

Murdering his best friend and Hogwarts's resident womanizer might have to wait for another day, it seemed.

* * *

A/N; Oneshot I wrote for The Pick-Up Line Challenge. I hope you enjoyed it!


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